Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
