I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
