He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Randomize
