You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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