don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
