Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
