checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
