it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
