I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
