im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
