Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
