I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
