He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
