she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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