He uses pillows to masturbate.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
