He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
