well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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