im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
