I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
