Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
