I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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