I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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