My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
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