Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
