I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
