she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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