Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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