My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
