ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
