Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You can't just leave with hair like that
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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