I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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