btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
