"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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