mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
