I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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