If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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