She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
