M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
