This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i love accidental penises.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
