my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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