Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
