just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
