What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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