I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
do herpes really smell.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
