We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
