hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
