There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
