3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
i drank out of a bidet.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
