my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
