She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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